March 31, 2014

Adventures in Aging – Not So – Gracefully

Listen, I have never been accused of being graceful. Or even particularly coordinated. In fact, I trip over air, and a big part of my day is spent chasing all the crap I drop. So it really shouldn’t have come as any surprise yesterday when I went to sit on my bed, but instead, fell on my ass! Now, in my own defense, there wasn’t really a bed to sit on, but that wouldn’t be a problem for a more agile person. See, we bought a new mattress, and to be ready for the delivery guys, my ever-efficient husband took out the old one to make room. I took advantage of the bare frame and vacuumed every nook and cranny I can’t normally reach when the bed is made. Good right?
Not so much.
Somehow, between the tangle in the vacuum hose and my two left feet, I felt myself tipping. No problem, I’ll just catch myself on the bed and bounce back up. Sounded like a good plan in theory. And it would have worked, too. But…yeah, no mattress. So when I felt my weight shift back and reach the point of no return, my hands searching for anything more substantial than thin air, I tumbled ass over teakettle backwards into the wooden bed frame.
Luckily, my right arm and butt cheek helped break my fall, so I didn’t suffer a major head injury when my noggin met the solid oak center beam. My husband bolted into the room when he heard my yelp of distress, and after making sure I was okay, just looked at me while shaking his head.
“What happened?”
“Iunno. One minute I was cleaning, and the next I was flat on my back thanking my ponytail for cushioning my skull.”
“What am I gonna do with you?”
“Well…I am on my back. In the bedroom.”
“How hard did you hit your head?”
So much for seduction.
Anyway, I’m fine except for the fifty shades of blue and purple creeping up my arm and blooming on my backside. The knot on my head is down to the size of marble and a hot shower seems to have cured all my other aches. I have decided that this was simply the Universe’s way of telling me that Spring cleaning is overrated, and frankly, dangerous. On the upside, my husband did offer to buy me a cute helmet to wear when I vacuum, so I’ve got that going for me…

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